|
 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
This
Week:
What to be Aware of Before Meeting Someone
Offline
Developing a Personality Online
What to do When I Lied Online
What should I
know about someone before having an offline meeting?
I don’t mean to come across brazen here, but
simply put the answer is “as much as you possibly
can.” To expound on my answer a little bit, here’s
a checklist of bare essentials that you might go through
to see if you’re ready to meet someone offline:
1. Does he/she share my goals for using
an online dating site?
If you don’t
know this, then meeting him or her might be a huge
waste of
your time, energy
and money. Closely related to this issue is the next
point…
2. Have we discussed our deal breakers
and deal makers for a relationship?
3. Do I feel any
apprehension whatsoever about my safety should I
plan to meet this person in a public place?
If the answer is “yes,” then trust your
intuition and postpone an offline meeting.
4. Do I feel
any pressure whatsoever in meeting this person offline?
If meeting someone is something you
feel obligated to do, rather than something you are
excited about doing, then postpone an offline meeting.
5.
Has this person been consistently truthful and respectful
to me?
This is self-explanatory!
6. Finally, do I
know anything about his/her
private life – what do they do for a living,
their lifestyle, have they been married before, etc.?
I’m not saying people need to be an open book,
but I feel sharing some details is crucial to establishing
trust, openness, and a solid bond of friendship.
Of course, it’s up to the couple to decide
what is the proper amount of disclosure between them
to
feel comfortable with an offline meeting.
This checklist will get you reasonably far, but use
it just as a guide. Remember… in matters of the
heart always use your head!
How can I get my personality
to really shine through even online?
In some ways, it can be easier to showcase your personality
online rather than offline. For example, be creative
in your online profile by choosing a font type, size,
and color that parallels your personal style and “voice.” The
same holds true for your use of emoticons, how you
time the sending of your IMs, winks, or emails. And
let’s now forget that your profile photos can
speak volumes about who you are and what you’re
like. Photos really can convey many different sides
of a person and the moods they want to convey to romantic
prospects. Take time to frequently update and rotate
your photos!
Those are just a few ideas that don’t always
involve actual interactions. Think of them as advertisements
for your personality. You can easily showcase your
personality by using the tools of online dating that
allow real interactions – emails and IMs are
great, but these pale in comparison to videochats and
audio chats where you can advertise yourself the best
since the person actually gets to experience your personality
firsthand.
Most of all, please avoid clichés. Online dating
is competitive, so you need to stand out. Be yourself
and be an original. Tell people in word and deed what
you want and why… as opposed to what you don’t
want in a relationship. Remember, always be positive
in advertising yourself to others and wording what
you’re looking for —never use words or
symbols that have negative overtones.
How do I tell the truth
if I lied about my weight and now he/she wants to
meet?
I’d love to hear your suggestions on this situation!
Email
me your thoughts and past experiences related
to this, and I will post a selection of them in an
upcoming installment.
My answer is this: honesty is the best policy. If
you make a mistake or have told a white lie, then admit
it, sincerely apologize for it, and don’t do
it again. Then, postpone the meeting so the person
doesn’t have to keep an awkward appointment.
Instead, let the other person know you’ll understand
if he or she doesn’t want to meet in the future.
This way, you reduce embarrassment for the other person,
while simultaneously keeping the door open for continued
contact if the other person is willing.
Sign Up for Our Free Newsletter
|
All
Online Dating Magazine content, including the content on this page,
is ©
copyright by Online Dating Magazine and may
not be
republished or reused in any form. You do have
full permission to link to this article.
Do you agree or disagree with this
article? Have
more to add? Submit a Letter
to the Editor today.
|
