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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
This Week:
Online
Dating Profile Perceptions Differ Amongst Gender
How to Tell if Someone’s a Keeper
or Not
Are men and
women attracted to different things in a potential
partner’s online dating profile?
All indications are “yes.” Notwithstanding
that most people agree they want a partner who’s “honest,
caring, loyal, and fun,” evolutionary psychologists
contend that men and women are instinctively and predictably
attracted to different types of personal characteristics
or traits in each other. Dr. Monica Whitty from Queens
University Belfast nicely talked about all of this
and how it relates to offline and online dating in
a pioneering research article [Whitty, M. T. (2004).
Cyber-flirting: an examination of men’s and women’s
flirting behaviour both offline and on the Internet.
Behaviour Change, 21, 115–126.].
Dr. Whitty gives the bottom line to us straight – men
rate physical attractiveness as an important quality
in a partner more highly than women, and women give
higher ratings to traits reflecting dominance and social
status. There’s likely an evolutionary basis
for this. Specifically, men and women contribute different
resources to mating and reproduction. On one hand,
women contribute their physical bodies, so men automatically
respond to physical beauty because this implies good
health, youthfulness and fertility. On the other hand,
women seem to look for indications that a man has resources
to care for her and her future children. Therefore
rather than physical beauty, women seem inherently
drawn to characteristics like physical dominance, social
status, ambition and high income levels. Research studies
since the 1970s have consistently born out these ideas,
and Dr. Whitty’s own research shows that these
different attractors hold for online flirting and dating
as well. I urge everyone to take a trip to a university
library, find Dr. Whitty’s article, and read
it at least twice.
Now, I and Online Dating Magazine are not sharing
this information so you can enhance your online dating
profile with “white lies” or what you think
are harmless exaggerations about your attractiveness,
health, earnings or education level. This is actually
a widespread problem in online dating profiles, which
I’ll address in a feature column in April. However,
do take time to learn from evolutionary psychologists
and the latest flirting and relationship research about
what qualities and blessings you may be underselling
to romantic prospects.
Don’t lie or misrepresent, but for goodness
sake, don’t ignore human hardwiring and be overly
modest in your profile as well. If you’ve got
it, feel free to flaunt it responsibly!
How do I tell
if someone’s a keeper or not?
If I knew that with the utmost certainty, I’d
be a billionaire. The problem here is that everyone’s
definition of a “keeper” varies in slight
but often important ways. For example, what’s
an intolerable personal characteristic to one individual
can be perfectly acceptable to another person. This
set of personal preferences is commonly referred to
as our “deal makers and deal breakers.” Everyone
has them, and everyone’s set is unique.
Although I can’t concretely identify a set of
traits that you’ll totally agree makes for a
keeper, I can pass along some thoughts that will help
you identify someone that will almost always make you
unhappy and unfulfilled in the long run. The more statements
below with which you agree, the shakier I predict your
relationship is or will become. In other words, more “yeses” means
the more likely you don’t have a keeper –
1. Frequency of arguments and their resolution is
a constant problem
2. Consistent dissatisfaction
and resentment over the amount of time spent together
3. Direct or indirect pressure to change how you look
and behave when in your partner’s company
4. Thoughts of physically and emotionally intimacy
with your partner are lacking or cause you distinct
discomfort or apprehension
5. Constantly making
excuses to your family, friends or acquaintances
for his/her behavior
I don’t want you to use your ponderings of these
statements to judge, criticize or ridicule your partner.
They’re intended to help you assess the relationship
you’re in now or to make you think more carefully
about whether the person you’re falling for could
be a keeper. It all comes down to asking good questions… to
get good information… to make good decisions
for yourself.
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