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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
This Week:
I Don't Want to Post an Online Dating Profile
Photo
I really don’t
want to post a photo in my online dating profile,
so now what?
If this sounds like you, then
I’d strongly recommend thinking about why you don’t
want to post a photo. I can’t emphasize this enough – posting
a good photo is the number one way to boost your online
dating profile. If you want more views, more IMs, winks
and email messages, then take time to get and post at
least one good photo. Even better… post several
photos. If you don’t have a good digital camera
or scanner, then ask around your pool of friends. Almost
certainly, one of them has access to what you need
to produce a good photo.
And by a good photo, I mean
a primary
photo in your profile that:
» Is clear and of good quality (high resolution)
» Shows
only you in the photo – no pets, distracting
props, a group of friends, and especially not an “ex” who
has a large black dot over his/her face. And to
the single-parents, I strongly recommend not posting
photos showing your
children (remember, there are predators out there
that look for these types of cues).
» Close-up shot
of your face, neck and shoulders – preferably
a full frontal view of your head and torse
» Shows you
smiling
» Has some color, vibrancy or “attitude” to
it. I don’t necessarily mean “art shots” reminiscent
of Felinni, but rather a photo that conveys some
of your personality or a certain mood.
Additional
photos are icing on the cake, and using
these is where your creativity can shine by presenting
yourself
posing with props that reflect a hobby or a sport
you love to do, as well as you in a group of friends
or
standing by a romantic landmark on your last vacation.
Remember,
your profile photos are an advertisement of you;
they’re
your number one “calling card.” It’s
all part of your marketing campaign, folks. There’s
fancy science and statistics to back up what I’m
saying about the positive and exponential impact
of a good photo, but actually it’s not needed.
Just try it! I did and can attest that good photos
work wonders – I’ve
had several personal profiles on dating sites for
research purposes and indeed the response to good
photos is overwhelming
compared to poor photos.
Another little trick is
to rotate good photos on a periodic basis. That way,
there’s
a good chance your profile will come up on others’ searches
more often. You see, updating photos increases your
site activity, and online dating sites treat very
well their
customers who are active on the site. On the other
hand, some people argue that not posting a photo
is a good idea for reasons of “security.” What
they usually mean is that withholding a photo from
casual onlookers provides no clues as to your real
identity
and where you can be found. Others understandably
say that they don’t want physical attraction
to be the primary motivation for someone to contact
them. Because
of that, they will withhold a photo until they feel
that a person showing interest is doing so “for
the right reasons.”
Of course, sometimes what
these responses really mean is that a person wants
to avoid embarrassment – the
embarrassment of being recognized online by family,
friends, coworkers, and the like. But what I also
hear, and much
more often, is that a person wishes to avoid embarrassment
because they’re insecure about their physical
appearance. What I’m speaking of here is body
image – the
mental picture you have of your body, along with
your feelings, thoughts, and judgments about your
body.
You know you have a poor body image when you
dislike (or are even disgusted by) your physical
appearance – anything
from body and weight to specific body parts, hair,
skin color, or facial features. Nearly all men and
women are
dissatisfied to some extent with their appearances.
Sexual attractiveness, concerns about weight, and
a person’s
level of physical fitness all work together to produce
a person’s body image.
A person is more likely
to post one or more photos in their personal profile
if they have a healthy
body image.
You know you have a healthy body image when you’re
comfortable with your body and have positive and
self-confident feelings towards yourself. Better
body image correlates
with enhanced relations, connectedness, and attraction.
If
you’re struggling with a poor body image, one
of the best ways to respond is to develop a rational
and healthy relationship with food. For example,
try not to use food as a reward or punishment and
teach yourself
to listen to your body and to trust its messages.
Remember, it’s okay to eat if you’re
hungry, even if it’s not a meal time. Finally,
strive to understand nutrition and the health benefits
of various foods; instead
of telling yourself food is either “good” or “bad.”
A
poor image can be overcome, so don’t let it
permanently interrupt your search for a partner.
When it comes to
finding a partner using online dating, a profile
with a good picture truly is worth a thousand words.
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