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 Office Hours With Dr. Jim
by James
Houran, Ph.D
In this column, "Dr.
Jim"
honestly and candidly answers your questions about
dating, love and sexuality. He doesn’t tell
you what you want to hear – he tells you what
you need to hear. Dr. Jim is committed to offering
you guidance based on responsible clinical practice
and hard data from the latest scientific studies.
Send
Dr. Jim your questions today for consideration
in an upcoming issue.
This Week:
Best Valentine's
Day Gifts
Is Love Really Blind?
Are Men Really Afraid to Commit?
Valentine’s
Day is around the corner. What gifts would you recommend?
That’s an excellent and often times
tricky question, because Valentine’s Day can
lead to conflict and feelings of depression and even
if you don’t receive the right gift. However,
science can help out here. One research study I conducted
last year found that the majority of men and women
want to receive some type of token on V-Day. But, the
types of gifts men and women want to receive are not
the same, and this difference seems to reflect a craving
for different sentiments from their partners.
Men seem to prefer gifts that represent respect, personal
recognition or admiration from their partner. On the
other hand, women seem to prefer gifts that represent
a public display of affection and one that reinforces
the couple's identity. So, assuming that your partner
is like most of my research participants, some recommended
gifts for men include jewelry with personalized engravings,
items related to their favorite hobbies or pastimes,
and music, movies and computer games. Some recommended
gifts for women are flowers that are delivered to their
work or another public place, as well as items that
can be showcased to family and friends such as new
clothes, jewelry, or special photographs of them with
their significant other – something that gives
your lady a special story to tell about you two among
her closest confidants.
Is Love Really Blind?
Yes and no – how’s that for
a straight answer. What people call “love” is
not a static state, but rather it seems to be a dynamic
and evolving biopsychological condition. Some experts
have even called it a “mental illness!” Why? – Because
people who are “in love” tend to act irrationally.
It’s not entirely your fault, because in the
early stages of a relationship we seem to be acting
on “biological autopilot.” The feeling
of being in love is amazing – even addictive
for some – but we don’t always make the
best decisions when we are on these types of emotional
highs. After all, you shouldn’t drive a car while
under the influence. Likewise, you shouldn’t
make life-altering decisions while under the influence
either. And make no mistake… being in love can
be a lot like driving a car while intoxicated. Let
me explain.
Current wisdom suggests there are three different
systems in the brain. One system is for sex drive or
lust and is associated primarily with testosterone
levels in men and women. Sex drive is considered to
be separate from other forms of affection, although
often we experience lustful urges within the context
of loving relationships. The second brain system is
associated with romantic love or what we feel as obsessive
love and infatuation. High levels of natural stimulants
called dopamine and norpenephrin, and probably low
levels of another stimulant, serotonin, seem to promote
feelings of giddiness, elation, euphoria, sleeplessness
and loss of appetite. Finally, the third chemical system
in the brain appears to regulate feelings of emotional
attachment via a different set of chemicals in the
brain called vasopressin and oxytocin. We experience
the effects of these chemicals as a sense of calmness,
peacefulness and security with a long-term partner.
These feelings typically come later in a relationship,
as it deepens and matures.
The point is… when we are “in love” we
truly are acting under the influence of some powerful
chemicals. While this process is entirely natural,
we must be careful to balance indulgence and passion
with caution and rationality. If you don’t maintain
control and a sense of awareness in those early stages
of a relationship that are dominated by lust and romantic
obsession, you really will be acting with blinders
on!
Are Men Really Afraid to Commit?
I promise to do an article on this important topic.
Psychologists refer to Fear of Commitment (FOC) variously
as Fear of Intimacy, Commitment Phobia, Fear of Dependency,
or, more broadly, “intimacy issues.” In
the end, all these labels are describing the same general
behavior – a fear of becoming too emotionally
invested in a relationship and making ones self vulnerable
to being emotionally scarred.
It’s a stereotype that FOC is rampant among
men. However, this is more of a myth than a legitimate
reality. Research reveals that men tend to report somewhat
stronger FOC than women, but this gender difference
is grossly exaggerated and is in truth very minute.
In fact, some of my past research on the subject has
found that the sexes are about equal! A forthcoming
journal article based on that research reports that
an individual’s “readiness to commit” is
associated more with age than gender. That is, the
older a person is, the less fear of commitment they
report. However, this trend doesn’t hold for
those over 60 years of age. At later ages, FOC seems
to sharply increase. Thus, young and older people,
those on opposite ends of the age spectrum, resemble
one another in their FOC. Those between 35 and 59 years
old report the least FOC.
Let me leave you with some interesting facts about
FOC:
» Engaged couples show the greatest commitment
to their partners, followed by married couples.
People living apart show the least commitment.
» People who are low in FOC recognize that relationships
take work, and they even expect to disagree occasionally
with their partners. They also believe that unconditional
love is possible. Nevertheless, they’re also
willing to do what ever is necessary to work out
their problems.
» People who are very high in FOC believe that
they’ll likely leave their partner or that their
partner will leave them early in the relationship.
They view serious relationships akin to giving up their
freedom and independence. For instance, they have difficulty
thinking about fidelity to one person for the rest
of their lives. They also tend to be extremely idealistic
and want someone who is “completely perfect” for
them.
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