Calling it Quits:
Not So Mr. Right...

You know that moment when you start dating someone and it just clicks and seems so right and your mind is racing and you think “This could be it!” and it’s just…ahhhh…magical? Yeah? No? Okay, well, whatever, that’s not what I’m talking about. Let’s switch gears to that opposite moment when you’re dating someone and that moment comes where you realize this is totally not working, nothing clicks, even though he thinks it does, and I have to get out of this! NOW! How do I do it without hurting anyone’s feelings, and how do I know if it’s the right move?

It’s a hard thing when you’re dating to call it off. You’ve just started seeing someone, with high hopes, and it’s sad if it’s not what you expected. Maybe you enjoyed their company at first, but you realize that he’s just not right for you, or you’re just not right for each other. And it’s the truth. He’s not what you need, and for that reason, you can’t be what he needs. People say it all the time, and as much of a cliché as it is, and sounds when you say it: “You deserve someone who’s right for you.” It’s a hard thing when you’re dating someone and you realize you’re not that person, and he’s not that person for you.

That’s what makes dating hard — trying to find that person that you’re compatible with that you can share enjoyable times with, whether it’s shopping for toilet seats or a romantic walk on the beach. Someone who brings out the smile in you that you forgot you had, the inner laugh that might have been lost for a while. But sometimes you crave that company so much, that when the realization hits you that it’s not going to work, you become torn about breaking it off. Am I speaking from experience? Yes, you got me. But I know I’m not alone.

Everyone wants to be in a relationship where they’re happy, but sometimes it is just nice to be with someone. But I got tied up in a dating situation where at first, it was fun, but then that moment of revelation came and I realized it was actually draining to be with that person who I knew so much about, but who knew little about me. While I spent time participating in their life and goals, mine were put aside. But when I was having a bad day or just hanging out alone, it seemed better to hang out with someone than no one, and there we were together. I got sucked down the drain again. It took me away from myself and I knew it wasn’t what I was looking for. But in the end, isn’t somebody better than nobody? Nope.

You have to cut the ties in order to make yourself happy and find the person who will make you happy and who you can make happy. Too much happiness? Never! Dating is a two-way street. It’s not about giving up your goals for someone else’s, but about sharing them. If someone steals your energy for their own benefit, you have to wonder why you are pursuing this relationship, as I did. I knew that to continue going down this path was not the right thing to do, for both of us, but it was easy to look back at the nice moments and think that their could be potential. And that is how I was setting myself up to get trapped. Or I was just wussing out.

I have a friend who did the on and off thing with a guy who she knew was very wrong for her, but she wanted the companionship. She recently broke it off for good and came to the, “What was I thinking?” stage. She’s now focused on getting her life back and seeing what else is out there. She ultimately had a real talk with her boyfriend and settled things.

It’s daunting, to have the nerve to talk with someone, but that’s something that comes along with dating and relationships. Of course, with the magic of the Internet now, it could seem easy to send an email, and if that has been your primary way of communication, then go with what is right for you. (Someone close to me, I won’t say her name, broke up with a guy over instant messenger once. Yikes. But then again, it was years ago, and she was only 17. I’ll cut her some slack). Just don’t pull the avoidance thing, and start ignoring his calls and messages. Pretending you’ve gone missing is a little mean, and might worry him. The mature, and hard, thing to do, is be honest, and talk it out, and as corny as it sounds, every dating experience will teach you something for the next. Hopefully, you find that significant other that will bring about that magical feeling, and you won’t have to worry about this whole breaking up thing, or how to get through another date without going mad or pretending you forgot how to speak English.

It’s all a process…one we’ll never quite figure out. So for now, I’ve got some things to sort out. Or, I’ll just get up and move to Wisconsin

Dating Triumphs and Tragedies is published every Sunday by Online Dating Magazine columnist Nicole Roberge. She can be reached at [email protected].

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