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Dating Tips Advice Column:
How Do I Break Up For Good?
Dear Dating Tips,
I'm
a 20 year old female, finishing up my last year at
college. I've been dating the guy I'm with since freshman
year. We dated for the entire year, really experiencing
the whole "getting
to know" each other phase rather quickly, as we
ended up effectively living together. It was fun and
intimate and he definitely became endeared to me, but
by the end
of the year, I knew he was not right for me. I hadn't
the slightest intention of entering school and jumping
into a long-term relationship. I sort of had this vision
of college as a place to spread my wings and explore'
creatively and personally. But instead, that year,
I found it hard
to click with people and he wasn't the type to want
to do anything outside of sitting around. He didn't
expect the relationship either. But he grew far more
accustomed to it very quickly, and enjoyed just having
me to sit around all day with.
Once we went on summer break, each to our respective
states hundreds of miles away, I realized in being
by myself again how much I enjoyed it. I began analyzing
my unhappiness socially with my college and realized
it was him who was, in effect, holding me back. Not
that I blame him; I chose to be with him. So I thought
about it long and hard and talked it over with my best
friend. It was a tough decision to make then. In choosing
room assignments, we chose to live next door to one
another. Not a good decision; I knew it even then.
We weren't the only ones in on the decision; his roommate
wanted to be close to my roommate. But still... I ultimately
decided it'd be best to breakup with him anyway, despite
him being right next door. The only way I could do
it was by phone, which I realize was not a good idea
either. But I did it and he was very upset. But it
had to be done.
Coming into the next year, I was extremely wary of
what was to happen. We were each other's only friends
and lived next door to one another. Plus, his grandfather,
who was his father figure, had just died. So as much
as I promised myself to keep away, he was in such a
bad state I felt compelled to console him. I did and
almost immediately we began sleeping together again.
And that just as quickly turned to being in a serious
relationship again.
Now I know all the mistakes I'd
made. I shouldn't have gotten back with him. I knew
it wasn't going to work fundamentally. But that year
was extremely hard for me too, concerning not making
any meaningful connections with the people at my
school and finding trouble trying to get into the creative
community there as well. So, at the time, I was vulnerable
and it felt good to have someone, who wanted me there.
I sort of let myself be in an unrealistic haze and
ignored the problems.
That about speeds us about to just before this summer,
as we were choosing apartments. I did what I shouldn'
t have done. I got a four bedroom apartment with him
for the following year along with his roommate and
my roommate
(just about the only people I know at my school). Though
we were in a great stage at the time we got the apartment,
I knew it was a bad idea to decide to move in with
him for an entire year. But honestly, at the time,
if I had said I didn't think it was a good idea I would
have had nowhere to live, no one to live with, and
already have made things weird between us in a strange
way.
Now this summer comes. I visit him in his home
state and the problems are exacerbated to the max.
I see how much this can't work and how he isn't the
kind of guy I want to be with. Honestly, I don't think
he's
even aware of how much I realized this. It's almost
as if I don't even bother bringing up issues to him
because I know he won't be able to change them and
he won't respond well to talking about it.
So it's a
month before I move in, and my thoughts are constantly
on reasons why we should break up and how he is not
at all what I want in a guy. But I have no IDEA how
to go about this! I have never gotten myself into such
a horrible mess. I'm usually the one giving advice,
not asking. But it's a sort of situation I feel like
I need help with.
At
the same time as I know we can't go on dating. I
do know I need him there for support, as a friend.
And we're going to be in the same apartment! I'm
almost afraid that even if I do breakup with him,
we'll end up naturally going to each other for intimacy
and we'll be right back where we were. Honestly,
my ideal situation (for both of us) would be if I
were able to cut him out my life completely somehow,
make a new friend and he make one, too. Part of me
very irrationally wonders if I should "hold out" for
the year, and break up with him before I go to program
in LA, where I'm graduating. A friend told me to maybe
talk about how I'm going to LA in the first place and
how this isn't going to work in the long-run, but maybe
we can enjoy each other for the time we have together
this year. Does that sound totally whacked?
I really just don't know what to do. But I know something
needs to be done. Thanks in advance.
~ In Quite
a Bind
Dear In Quite a Bind,
Let's see... the only question you asked was, "Does
that sound totally whacked?" So, I suppose I could
sum up my entire response by simply saying...
"yes." :-)
In
all seriousness, though... It's always hard when
a person feels "trapped" in
a relationship and
can't
see any
way out.
It's especially
hard when so much time and emotional support has
been invested into that relationship (i.e. you being
there
when his grandfather died). Ultimately it seems that
the three things you are struggling with most are:
1) The Breakup.
2) Living with him.
3) Fear getting back together with him again.
Let's
take these one at a time:
The
Breakup
You
owe it to him and to yourself to be 100% honest.
You also owe it to him to do the breakup
in person (the only time you shouldn't is if the
other person has violent or controlling tendencies).
Let him know what you let me know. In a breakup
many people are afraid to be honest. Yet honesty
is the only thing that can help the other person
truly understand so that they can get some closure.
Lying ("it's me") does
nothing to help the person you're breaking up with.
You also have to keep in mind that one of the things
a person in a relationship hates to hear when being
dumped is, "I want to remain friends".
And that brings us to...
Living
with Him
This
is a definite problem because the two of you have
a very attached history together.
In some ways you have become "co-dependent" on each
other, it seems. You have to make a tough decision
on this, but keep in mind that it will be much easier
apart from him than with him. I have a friend that
years ago was in the same situation. The only way he
could fully detach himself from the other person was
to move out of state. He did and both moved on with
their lives. It was the toughest decision of his life,
but he knew that if he remained within the same vicinity
as his ex-girlfriend, neither would ever be able to
move on because of that "co-dependency". You may seriously
want to consider a new living situation for this year.
In order to break a "dependency", you have
to remove yourself from the influence. (Read that last
sentence again... it's vitally important). And that
brings us to...
Fear
of Getting Back Together With Him
This
is one of your biggest fears, it seems, because it
has happened before. You wanted out of the situation,
got out, then went right back into it. As stated
a few sentences ago, "In order to break a "dependency", you have to
remove yourself from that influence". In your
situation that
may be very hard to do. However, in life we must sometimes
make some very hard choices and/or lifestyle changes
in order to improve ourselves and move on.
Perhaps the best advice you can hear is the a key
phrase you stated in your question.
And
that is:
"My
ideal situation (for both of us) would be if I
were able to cut him out my life completely..."
That's very hard to do, but if you know deep inside
that it is, indeed, the ideal situation then you need
to take the steps to make it happen. That means
breaking up, being honest, changing your living situation,
and involving yourself with new interests and activities.
You know in your heart what you need to do - you just
need to summon the internal courage to do it.
~
The Dating Tipster
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