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Dating Tips Advice Column:
Breaking it Off Respectfully
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Dear Dating Tips,
I have had contact with four intelligent professional
women (out of a couple of others who contacted me) between
25 to 29 years of age via Match, and we have been getting
along very well via emails and Video IM etc., for over
a month now. My personality, interests and core values
(financial education, family, spirituality etc.), amazingly
mesh with each one of theirs and they all opened up their
feelings to me with less inhibitions. Now, I am a professional
in my early
30s and I want to get married to one of them.
The challenge I have right now is that I never imagined
(because of the so-called uneven male to female ratio)
that my profile would attract this number of top quality
ladies to me after sending e-mails to them. I have struck
a robust friendship with them, they haven't offended
me in any way, and I would NOT want to just totally cut
them off. (In honesty, I would like to maintain contact
with 3 out of 4 of them on strictly platonic basis).
From the face-to-face discussions we've had, they all
want to have a family of their own in the near future!
(Please note that I haven't even told them about my desire
to get married to either of them yet).
The BIG question is: HOW do I "diplomatically" disengage
from 3 of them in the weeks ahead (kindly suggest some
words/phrases to use), so that I can focus on just one
of these ladies like a laser beam, without making it
seem like I am just another cut and run player? ~
Settling Down
Dear Settling Down,
It's hard to judge from your letter whether you have
met these women (in the first paragraph you mention
your communication has been via email, IM, Webcam,
etc.), yet in the second paragraph you say, "from the
face-to-face discussions". It's important to know
the level of involvement you've had with these women
in order to best approach how to part ways.
If
your communication has been strictly online, then
the process of being up front and honest is most
important. Online, too many guys and girls just "drop off
the face of the planet" leaving the person they
were communicating with wondering what happened. This
is wrong. It
is far better to be honest than to just disappear.
Besides
words/phrases, your actions are of vital importance.
For example, if your Match.com profile is still up,
you must remove it before breaking it off with these
ladies. If you tell a lady that you are about to enter
into a serious relationship with someone else and your
profile remains "active" (and they will check)
then you will come off as insincere and a liar. Thus
you
must first remove your profile. The next step, if your
communication has been online only, is to IM,
email, or call the person and simply be honest. But
in being honest,
be careful not to offend or inadvertently patronize
them.
The
simple truth is that the best way to break it off
is to do it from your heart versus asking a friend,
etc. how they would do it. But in doing so, be respectful.
"Because I respect you I want to be honest in letting
you know that..." and make sure the issue is about
you. "I feel I need to..."
It's important to remember that no matter what you
say, the person will be hurt if they were becoming
attached to you. And this will be more true if they
removed their profile because of you. Nothing you can
say is
going to stop the pain. And this brings up the subject
of inadvertently patronizing the other person. Women
generally hate the line, "I think we should just be
friends". Therefore it is best to leave it up
to the woman to make this determination or approach
to you at a later time. When a guy breaks up with a
woman who loves him, she needs time to heal. You
do her a disservice by trying to keep the channels
of communication open or by trying to be the shoulder
for her to cry on when you're the reason she's crying.
Your specific question was about words and phrases.
This is an example, however you must make it your own
in order to come off as sincere (which it sounds like
you want to be).
"...I
know we've connected and I feel attracted to you
intellectually and physically, but I've grown more
attached to another person..."
By going along these lines you are being honest and
you are not inadvertently insulting the other person.
Now if your relationship with any of these women has
been in person then things change. Email, IM, or phone
is not good enough for parting ways. To gain any ounce
of respect, you must break it off in person and at
her house. There are two reasons for this:
1) Breaking it off in person shows that the person
was valued enough for you to do the right thing. Breaking
up in email makes the person feel cheapened and makes
you look really cheap.
2)
By breaking up at her house you are keeping her
in her own familiar and "safe" environment.
She won't have to drive while trying to deal with
her emotions or reactions. Plus by keeping things
private, you save both of you the embarrassment
that reactions may
cause in a public environment.
In conclusion:
1) Be Honest.
2) Don't make the person feel inferior. Make it
about you.
3) Don't rush communication after breaking
up. Give the other person time to heal and let
them make the
decision.
4) If your relationship has been in
person, break it off in person and at her place.
~
The Dating Tipster
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