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 Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan
S. Davis
Seeking
Equal Partnership in Dating Relationships
Connecting
with people in friendships today, which are hoped
to develop into romantic or other meaningful relationships,
should result in strong, trusting bonds, which are
based on mutual respect and true equal partnerships.
Having a strong, caring relationship with a romantic
partner, in particular, is so important to the success
of a relationship, that without the foundation of
trust, it is most likely, impossible maintain the
type of close, special and very personal bond necessary,
to grow the relationship over time.
The
foundation of the caring relationship will be the
most important ingredient to ensure progress as time
goes one, and various hurdles present themselves
to address.
The
first stage of most any successful relationship,
consists of discovering whom you really are as a
pairing, and what your goals are as to the type of
relationship you want to have. Though one might argue
that really getting to know each other is the first
priority, but the reality is that without knowing
what someone’s relationship purpose is first,
it almost doesn’t make sense to bother to get
to know one another, if in fact, it turns out that
each person has different goals in mind when it comes
to dating.
For
example, if someone is really only strictly open
to and interested in casual situations, this could
be problematic for the person who is seeking a longer-term
situation. Of course, people do change their minds,
but it wouldn’t
make much sense for a person who seeks a long term relationship,
to know that the person they are seeing, is merely only
interested in a very casual, short-term situation while
hoping that they will change their mind. The reason for
this is that not only will this couple be faced with
all the usual relationship hurdles, but there will always
be a major difference of opinion as to how the couple
sees itself as an entity. Just as in personal crises
that involve identity, the couple can fact that very
same trauma. Identity is a serious issue – and
anyone that is struggling with identity issue will acknowledge
that.
And
yet, this very basic thing – the identity
of a relationship, is often overlooked by couples. In
fact, usually, there is compromise when it comes to this
issue. One person is satisfied with the casualness of
the situation, taking each day at a time, while the other
is nervous about whether or not to continue, for fear
of getting too attached.
While
there is no finite handling to apply to every situation,
it is probably better from the outset, for each person
to be aware of the boundaries that each is desirous
of maintaining, so that misunderstandings may be
avoided.
Of
course, covering this subject early on, can be problematic,
as many people do not want to confront the future
or spend too much time detailing their life goals
early on. Still, it is often easy to determine if
someone is on the same wavelength as you are, if
you don’t ignore the signs.
As
novelist Anaiis Nin has been quoted, “We don’t see
things as they are; we see them as we are.”
Unfortunately,
many people develop a sense about themselves that is
predicated upon what others have told them. Whether
it’s
parents, friends, teachers, bosses, competitors, admirers
or the opposite, all of these connections can have a
serious impact on how we see ourselves. And that impact,
can greatly affect our romantic involvements.
The
problem with the above is that the many descriptions
that we are confronted with are usually based more
on what fits the personal agendas of those individuals,
rather than on what is really the truth.
As
an example, supervisors, bosses and employers, are
notorious for presenting "strengths" and "weaknesses" to
suit how they wish their employees to behave, in order
to follow the personal agendas, and those of a company.
Likewise, admirers often present exaggerated descriptions
to suit desires to fulfill their own co-dependent worship
needs, as well as relationship acquisitions.
Given
the above scenario, it's really no wonder that people
develop such confusing and inaccurate pictures of
themselves, when the multitude of different and inaccurate
descriptions received are considered.
Some
of the ways that people can locate and determine
compatibility in terms of relationship goals, can
be accomplished by taking a look at three basic needs
in every relationship: interest, energy and stimulation
or sexuality; enjoyment, abundance, expansion of
awareness and happiness; and patterns for commitment
and consistency. Establishing and reaffirming each
of these essential areas, is one way to determine
how a relationship should proceed and whether or
not it should continue.
Uncovering
passions, desires and priorities, beliefs, and talents,
is a process that takes time, but as we grow older,
it does become easier to recognize these things and
determine what we really want in our lives. While
obstacles do surface, many of them turn out to be
self-imposed.
In
essence, sometimes, if we are able to hold up a mirror
to ourselves, we can better understand what the obstacles
before us are. Once we know where they are coming
from, it can be easier to address them. Unless you
have spent some time really looking at this sort
of thing, the first time one does it, could actually
prove to be a revelation.
Although
many people believe they really want to discover and
understand themselves so they will become more able
to develop closer interpersonal relationships, the
actual discovery process can be a difficult road
to travel. This is because of the level of unknowns.
The discovery of new truths may even cut through
preconceived ideas and expectations, which can take
people out of comfort zones. As people continue to
discover the truth about themselves, it can be the
misunderstanding of themselves that actually drives
them forward toward a deeper enlightenment.
As
one becomes more enlightened about themselves, it
can serve as a catalyst to seek more equality in their
interpersonal relationships. When one beings to seek
equal partnerships, you will appear more confidant,
and could be more supportive in general which can
attract more of the sorts of individuals likely to
be receptive to the equal partnership idea.
There
is no doubt, that the strongest bonds and caring,
non-judgmental relationship between couples, is often
predicated upon the concept of the equal partnership.
As we find and accept more truth in ourselves, and
gain more confidence, we can develop stronger relationships
to look for.
As
we see, understand and accept the newly discovered
truths about ourselves, we can often feel a strong
sense of relief, coupled with excitement. Our previous
conflicts can actually disappear. As we begin to
experience new sources of energy and self-reliance.
also known as breakthroughs, our outlooks and attitudes
change.
By
digging for the truth about ourselves, without any
agenda or judgment, and with total honesty, we can
truly find our true inner passions, desires, priorities,
beliefs, and talents – in order
to ward off some of the self-imposed obstacles that
can present confusing and inaccurate pictures we
may have of ourselves, that can also serve to impede
our progress in establishing meaningful relationships.
Susan
S. Davis is a published book author
and writer, currently doing research for a romantic
screenplay she is writing. Her Dating
From The Inside Out column
is published every Tuesday.
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