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Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan S. Davis

New Years Dating Resolutions

If you’ve been reading “Dating from the Inside Out” – and we hope that you have – you may be aware that the first set of articles, dealt with goal setting. The main reason for beginning with that strategy, is to have some sort of notion of what it is you are looking for, so that it is easier to find.

Many people spend a lot of time, aimlessly meeting people, not really defining, let alone, ever knowing what it is that they seek. Relying solely upon physical attraction, and other shallow means, not only usually doesn’t get good results in the dating arena, but it can also be more disappointing than not doing anything at all, as one winds up going through a “revolving door” of people.

 

Another reason for having a plan in place, is that it helps to deter distraction – and also can serve to begin to direct yourself toward the situation that you would like to have in your life.

For example, if you are interested in ultimately developing a relationship with someone, having some sort of idea of what it is that you are seeking, helps to keep from dating people who really aren’t relationship material, and vice versa. It could be that you are not ready or wish to involve yourself in a relationship – and, if that is the case, knowing this, and really being aware of it, can serve to keep yourself from having to deal with unpleasant situations, or dealing with someone who requires more.

It’s been proven, time and time again, that people who develop some sort of plan, whether informally, or using a system designed for that purpose, usually accomplish their objectives, much faster and easier, than those who do not.

So, as 2007 begins, now is a good time to review and reassess what you have accomplished, and what still remains to be accomplished – in the next year, with regard to your interpersonal relationships.

The method that you use, can be as informal as a short list of the kinds of people you would like to have in your circle of friendships, to a more elaborate scheme, including places to meet people, strategies to expand your knowledge about where to find people, and an actual plan, written out with goal setting dates to apply.

Not sure where to start? New to goal setting – especially with regard to interpersonal relationships and dating? Below are some guidelines that may serve as suggested statements to start with:

1. Define what you want, so that you will know it when you see it. As simple as this is, it is amazing how many people never really confront this aspect. Without really defining your objective, as with anything else, it is awfully hard to know it when you come across it. Doing this will also help to almost instantly recognize red flags, which can save you a lot of time and anguish, in the long run.

2. Take action to develop the same qualities you seek in others, so that when you do find suitable people, you are in a better position to actually attract them. It is one thing to want someone, for example, who is free of emotional baggage. It is yet another, however, to actually attract them. Logically, someone who is in a good place mentally and emotionally is not going to want to deal with someone who isn’t.

3. Determine new places and activities where you are likely to meet people with common interests.

4. Decide to be open-minded enough to meet people who are different than those you have normally dated, in the sense that they are true to themselves, and do not violate any basic tenets that you may be attached to. In other words, but expanding your social sphere, you may find people that you would normally have eliminated for one reason or another. This is not to say that you should allow people into your life that are disreputable, or ultimately so completely different than you would usually ever be interested in, but at least be willing to explore the possibility of seeing different types of people. As long as your core values aren’t compromised, there should be no chance of reprisal.

In closing, when developing your list of attributes that you would like to find in a partner, always realize that no one is perfect, including yourself, and be aware that it will be much easier to find new people in your life, if you are willing to afford the same respect and qualities for them, as you expect to receive from them, for yourself.

The bottom line, of course, is to also keep in mind that other people don’t make us happy; we must do that for ourselves. Relationships with people should always be looked upon as enhancements, rather than replacements for something. Trying to rely upon someone to create happiness for us, is a losing battle. Not only is it unreasonable to expect another human being to take on the responsibility of changing our lives in that way, but also it’s really way too much to ask of someone, in reality.

For those people who do not like to confront New Year’s resolutions – keep in mind, that New Year’s resolutions are just another type of goal setting. So, if you understand and are inclined to embrace any form of goal formulating process, it may be a good idea to devise some dating New Year’s resolutions. As stated above, there are many ways to go about doing this; it doesn’t have to be a major project. But writing down something, is certainly better than nothing, and it can actually improve your chances of finding the types of people you would like to spend your time with.

So, as this year starts, look at how last year went in terms of dating – write down what it is that you would like to have, and formulate a plan, even if it is very informal, to begin this new year’s dating journey.



Susan S. Davis is a published book author and writer, currently doing research for a romantic screenplay she is writing. Her Dating From The Inside Out column is published every Tuesday.


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