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Online Dating Magazine > Columns > Dating From the Inside Out > 16

Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan S. Davis

The Psychology of Availability

When it comes to “being available,” it seems that being too free with one’s time can present an unflattering over anxiousness that spells desperation – a very negative component in the social relationship department. People who are genuinely passionate about everything that they do can often struggle with this. Passion and enthusiasm are sometimes construed as less than appealing attributes, and that is a shame, because that is usually the very quality that attracts in social interaction. It’s important, however, to also be aware of how desperation, selfishness or rudeness can be assumed in actions that may demonstrate impatience.

Psychologically, when anything is too available, it can cease to be desired, let alone, cherished. Unfortunately, human beings have a great capacity to take things for granted. The best things, situations, people and circumstances can often lose their luster with familiarity. The most compatible date or partner can become “boring.” Repetition and time can dull our senses into suddenly failing to see the beauty of things, even people.

Society can endow novelty with attributes that are merely presumed, rather than actually a reality. This is because when something becomes common to us, the mystery ceases to exist. The irony is that once that happens, we are now disenchanted with the very things that at one time, used to excite us. We lack interest rather than strength, as the once new job, partner, friend or leisure activity becomes routine, even tedious. Discontent is a consequence of assumption that something will continue to provide stimulation, regardless of how often it is sought. Unless potential is adjusted accordingly, the dwindling spiral of dissatisfaction will continue, until other opportunities and situations are ultimately sought out.

One way to combat boredom is to attempt to keep things interesting with new perspectives and adventures. Human beings need to continue to evolve in one form or another, in order to stimulate interest in and by others. Art, culture, music and other human interests are easy ways in which to accomplish this.

When it comes to most things, the more available something is, the less it costs. This holds true with material things, and can be applied to situations as well. Just as good clothes, expensive cars, jewelry, property, etc. cost more when they are more worth having, so can relationships. One cost measurement in the social world is time. Often underestimated, mismanaged and given away more than any other resource, time is much more valuable than most people ever realize or give it credit for. Therefore, socially, time is a commodity that should not be squandered.

The fact remains that the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Rarity, rather than over saturation, is how value is placed on things. The less something is accessible, usually, the more it is sought after.

In order to maintain interest in anything, there must remain some area of mystery. When it comes to relationships, one way to achieve this is to never stop growing, by always seeking to enhance the life you live with whatever aspects of life interest you, whether it be art, music, culture, reading, writing, mentoring, charities, sports or other hobbies. Not only will remaining involved in life enhance you spiritually, it can serve to provide a purpose that aids you, someone else or humanity as a whole. And by doing this, the level of interest in you will remain constant, and even grow.

While it is often hard to resist the temptation of being available to new friends (and especially potential partners), it is important to remain grounded enough so that the causes that interest you, whatever they may be, are not abandoned for the sake of a new social involvement.

When someone new enters a social circle, it is easy to start to devote inappropriate amounts of time and energy to the new budding relationship. The problem with this is, the person you feel is now so important, may not reciprocate. This can leave you with a misguided purpose that can become hard to rebound from. For example, abandoning family and friends in favor of a new interest can create friction and sometimes, irreparable harm to existing relationships.

In addition, it seems to be a fact of nature that being too available can cheapen your own attractiveness, as you become less rare, more common and finally, less desirable. One way around all of this is to be more enigmatic by maintaining the things in your life that are important to you.

The above is important, particularly in the initial stages of meeting people. For example, always be sure to suggest days and times that work for you, rather than always appeasing to someone else’s schedule. Manage your time just as you would have before new friends come into your life. If time management isn’t your forte, you may want to take this opportunity to learn effective time management. Just as in business, managing one’s time can greatly enhance your social life in terms of accomplishing your goals on that level.

If you’re not sure, try really managing your time for just one week, and as you begin to expand your social sphere, apply time management to that as well. You may find that just by breaking old habits and establishing new ones, many new horizons may surface to consider.

Advertising executives know that by creating demand, one can maintain, and then sustain the desire factor. And interest and desire are two components that must be present at the beginning, and at all times, to maintain strong relationships. So, in the end, you may find that taking some time to develop ways to spark and continue interest is time well spent.



Susan S. Davis is a published book author and writer, currently doing research for a romantic screenplay she is writing. Her Dating From The Inside Out column is published every Tuesday.


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