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Connect
by Kim Lance,
associate publisher of Online Dating Magazine
How to Connect
with Your Partner's Family
Are you one of those people who get along
with your partner’s family as if they were your
own? If so, you are one of the lucky ones; many of
us aren’t so lucky. In fact, many of us undergo
a great deal of stress and anxiety at the thought of
having to entertain the in-laws or potential in-laws.
When your partner tells you that his family is coming
for a visit, does your blood pressure rise as you imaging
the judgments, smart-aleck remarks, or probing questions
that will be tossed your way during the course of their
visit? If so, you aren’t alone, but, fortunately,
there are some things you can do to help ease the pressure
and maybe even change the way you view them from here
on out.
You may be wondering
why it is that getting along with the person you love
can be so easy when it is so difficult to get along
with his or her family? While the reasons can be endless
and every family dynamic is different, there are two
big reasons that at least partially contribute to many
disputes: competition and false assumptions.
Competition and False Assumptions Can Cause In-Law
Conflict
Competition can often be pretty fierce between a relationship
partner and their partner’s parent or other relative.
You can often get quite defensive of the person you
love. After all, they are one of the most important
people in your life, and you want to be one of the
most important people in their life. It may be gut
instinct to fight for the love of, attention of, or,
in some cases, control over your significant other
and one of the biggest competitors in all three of
those arenas is a family member. Remember, you don’t
need to be the one and only important person in your
partner’s life.
False assumptions can also largely contribute to animosity
or even fear of a member of your partner’s family.
Picture this scenario – you find out that your
mother-in-law is coming to visit and immediately start
cleaning house in preparation for her arrival. Not
long after she walks through the door, she has started
refolding socks and wiping off counters. You immediately
jump to the conclusion that your mother-in-law disapproves
of the way you keep house and thinks you are a total
slob. After worrying about it the entire visit you
finally vent your frustrations to your husband. He
chuckles and tells you honestly that it isn’t
your lack of cleanliness, but, rather, that his mother
grew up thinking that her home needed to be spotless
and just cleans to pass the time. Because you were
so worried about impressing your mother-in-law you
read into her actions as an attack against you.
Ways To Get Along With Your Partner’s
Family
Ok, now that you know some of the reason why you may
get anxious at the thought of your partner’s
family, understand that it doesn’t have to
be that way. There are several things you can do
to ease your nerves when interacting with mom, dad,
sis, and bro.
1) Vent Your Frustrations to the Right Person
Sometimes the best way to release stress is to
vent to someone else. Getting it all off your
chest to
a good listening friend can be great therapy
and they may be able to offer advice or help
you get
a better perspective on the situation (like in
the mother-in-law example above). However, one
thing
you need to make sure of is that you are venting
to the right person. If your partner can empathize
with you and doesn’t take your issues as
a personal insult, then he or she might be the
best
person to talk to, but if your thoughts and words
might hurt your partner, a friend outside of
the family might be your best option.
2) Make Time to Get Away
If you are going to be interacting with your partner’s
family for an extended period of time, make sure you
plan breaks here and there where you and your significant
other can get away from his or her family and have
alone time. A break from having to “play nice” can
be just the thing to give you the added strength
to go back in and face the family again. Go out for
a
walk or long drive, just the two of you so that you
both can have time to reconnect and be yourselves.
3) Have a Sense of Humor
Try and find the humor in some of the quirky things
about his or her family that, up until now, may
have annoyed you. Isn’t it kind of funny how your
mother-in-law feels the need to rewash dishes that
have just been run through the dishwasher? Even just
a little? Or how about the stories that your girlfriend’s
father tells over and over? Try not to take everything
so seriously and you may enjoy the family visit
much more.
4) Don’t Read Between the Lines
Just because your girlfriend’s mother question’s
you about your career goals, it doesn’t mean
she disapproves of your current job. She may just be
trying to get to know you better. Try to avoid reading
into things when it comes to your partner’s family.
If you feel that a member of your significant other’s
family disapproves of something about you, your best
bet is to check with your partner to get the real story.
Many people in relationships (especially new relationships)
may feel insecure when trying to get to know a member
of their partner’s family and insecurity can
lead to false thinking. Try to take things and face
value, and if you can’t, have your partner
set you straight.
5) Share Common Interests
You may not be at each other’s throats, but,
you may feel like you just can’t connect with
your partner’s family or a member of that family.
If so, try to learn more about them. If you spend
time talking to his or her family, you may be able
to pinpoint
some key common interests between the both of you
that can help bring you closer together. Once you
have figured
out what you have in common, try to build upon those
commonalities and continually find new things you
both share.
If you can learn to look beyond your own insecurities
and the natural competitiveness and protectiveness
that comes with family ties, you may be able to form
a closer relationship with your partner’s family
than you might think. Connecting with your partner’s
family is another great way to grow closer as a couple
and, eventually, as a large, extended family.
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