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Connect
by Kim Lance,
associate publisher of Online Dating Magazine
Listening: An
Essential Part of Communication
Throughout this column I have given advice
about how
to stay in touch during time spent apart,
tips
to understand the different communication techniques
between men and women, what gifts and body
language says about you and your relationship, and the
problems associated with jealousy. So far, attention has not
been given to one of the most important factors in
building and maintaining a strong, successful connection
between partners – listening. For any relationship
to succeed, partners must learn how to listen to each
other.
Being An Effective Listener Isn’t Easy
Although it doesn’t require many words, the art
of listening can often be one of the most difficult
communication skills to learn and implement during
relationships.
It may come as a surprise but the act of listening,
without making judgments, placing blame or becoming
distracted, is extremely difficult for many people.
When listening to your partner (or anyone important
to you for that matter) it is important to stay attentive
and focused on what your partner is saying. Although
you may not be able to help it at first, it is important
to avoid your urge to immediately plan how you will
respond in your head and its also important never to
get distracted mid-conversation.
How many times has the following
happened to you? You have something really important
to say to
someone and as you start to explain the other person
starts tidying up the living room or, worse yet, checking
their watch or cell phone for the time. They may even
go so far as to say "Oh, don’t worry, I’m
listening" as they bustle about the house picking
up while you try to talk to them. Or what about this
scenario – you are mid conversation and the other
person interrupts to say "I can’t believe
he said that, here is how I would respond". Both
situations, while different responses, still give you
the feeling that you are not getting 100% of your partner’s
attention.
Giving your full attention is an essential way to
communicate to your partner that what they say is important
to you. I’m sure you would agree that your partner
deserves your full and complete attention when they
have something important to say. It is never polite
to get distracted or interrupt, and, even if you feel
totally comfortable with your significant other, this
still applies to your relationship too. Filing your
nails while your boyfriend explains his stresses at
work might seem trivial, but you are giving the impression
that you don’t really care about what your boyfriend
is saying or that filing your nails takes precedence
over listening to him.
If you have been in a relationship for a while, it
is not very difficult to know when your partner is
upset or concerned about something or when they just
really want to talk, whether about positive things
or things that are upsetting them. If you partner needs
to get something off of their mind or says “I
have to tell you something” or “I really
need to talk to you” this is a red flag that
you need to give them 100% of your attention.
Listening without interrupting shows that you respect
your partner and it also builds trust within a relationship.
If your partner knows that you will be there to listen
to them without seeming distracted or judgmental, they
will trust you with whatever is on their mind. With
the trust comes a deeper connection built between the
two of you. As you become a better listener, your partner
will not only open up and share more, but may also
learn to be a more effective listener to you through
your example.
Five Tips On How To Be A Better Listener
So, the question remains, how can you become a better
listener? The key is to free your mind of your own
way of thinking, learn to understand things from
your partner’s point of view, and avoid seeming
distracted by other factors. Here are a few tips
you can use to become a better listener:
Tip #1: Stay Focused On Your Partner
If your partner starts talking to you, sit down and look directly at your partner.
Do not do anything else, just listen. Now is not the time to multitask. Don’t
tidy up, don’t mess with your hair, don’t picking lint off of
your partner’s sweater. This is a time where you will listen, and only
listen.
Tip #2: Don’t Interrupt
Do not interrupt as your partner is speaking. If your
partner is telling you a story, simply nod or say “yes” or “uh
huh” in agreement as a sign that you are listening
and will continue to listen. When your partner pauses
or asks you what you think you can then join the
conversation with thoughts. The key here is to not
just give the impression that you are listening,
but to actually listen! By not worrying about what
you can say as a response, you are freeing yourself
to really hear your partner.
Tip #3: Summarize What Your Partner Said
If there comes a time where you can give your input,
first summarize back to your partner what they have
said and make sure you fully understand what they
are feeling. It could be as simple as, for example, “So
you are saying that you were hurt by the comments
your sister made about your child rearing capabilities?” Once
they confirm that that is how they are feeling, you
can better see things from their point of view. By
getting that confirmation from your partner, they
know that you were listening and that you both are
on the same page.
Tip #4: Don't Judge or Jump to Conclusions
Following a story with “you should have done
this” or “I think that is silly” will
negate all efforts you had to show that you are a good
listener. If you are thinking in your own mind how
you would respond or what your partner should do or
should have done then you are not truly listening or
understanding your partner. Don't assume you
know how their story will end either. Allow them to
conclude their own story rather than jumping to conclusions.
Remember – just listen.
Tip #5: Bring It Up Later
An effective way to prove to your partner that you
listen to them is to ask them about it later. If
your girlfriend explains her anxieties about a new
job, ask her the next day if she is feeling any better
about it. This will show your loved one that you
took to heart what they had said and were thinking
about it even past the initial conversation.
Practice Makes Perfect
Clearing your mind of your own judgments and ideas
while listening to others can be very difficult for
many, but, like many things in life, it can become
easier with practice. You will not be an expert listener
off the bat, but the more you try to be, the better
you will become. And the more you are there for your
partner, the more they will confide in you.
Allowing your partner to openly share his or her thoughts,
dreams, and fears with you by improving your ability
to listen will be a huge step toward a deeper connection
within the relationship. As long as the lines of communication
are always open and you are there to listen as well
as share, with time you and your partner will have
a solid foundation of trust and openness that will
last for years to come .
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