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by Kim Lance,
associate publisher of Online Dating Magazine
Jealousy: The
Green-Eyed Monster that Destroys Relationships
Anyone who has ever been in a serious
relationship has probably felt the green-eyed monster
creep into his or her thoughts at one time or another.
Ah, jealousy. It can cause insecurity, detachment,
and, often, just plain immaturity. No one wants to
admit that they are a jealous person, and, admittedly,
some people are better at curbing their jealousy than
others. But, as much as we try to fight against it,
sometime you just can’t help but feel it. What’s
worse is that jealousy can often make you act out against
your partner even if your partner is innocent and has
no idea why you are angry or, worse yet, it can foster
your own low self-esteem.
Whatever the reason, whether valid or not, jealousy
can be a huge factor in disconnection between couples.
Sometimes it is flattering when a relationship partner
gets a little jealous, but a boost to the ego is a
far cry from the fights and resentment that can come
from real, hidden jealousy. This sort of jealousy is
never a good thing for a relationship and communicating
your own jealousy to your partner without sounding
irrational can be tricky. The question remains: How
can you learn to recognize jealousy and deal with it
without jeopardizing your relationship?
Jealousy is Sparked
from Insecurity
The closer you become with your partner, the more you
have to lose by breaking up. If you are not aware of
your own qualities or not confident in your own attractiveness
as a relationship partner, insecurities can develop.
If your insecurities are not addressed with your partner,
they only fester and grow. It is true that there is a
small percentage of jealousy that comes from a valid
feeling, but, most of the time, jealousy comes from personal
insecurities that have grown because of lack of communication.
If your own insecurity or low self-image makes you
think badly of yourself, you often begin to wonder
what your significant other sees in you. You will start
to question why your partner would want to stay with
you and fear that he or she will inevitably meet someone “better”.
The fear that your partner will wake up one day and
realize there is someone better out there can lead
to suspicion on your part.
When suspicious thoughts begin to enter the mind of
an insecure person the green-eyed monster will begin
to rear his ugly head. You may find yourself questioning
your partner’s actions or becoming too needy
of your partner’s time and attention. If you
don’t discuss your insecurities with your partner,
questions may begin to fill your head. Why does he
always come home later on Tuesday nights…who
is he seeing? Why does she always talk so much about
that new co-worker…does she like him?
Because these questions and the motives behind them
(your own insecurities) are not brought to the forefront,
you may start to see problems that aren’t really
there. If suppressed long enough, often a jealous person
will “flip out” when, in reality, their
partner has done nothing wrong. A friendly conversation
can look like flirting or a hug may seem to go on a
little too long even though it is innocent. And, unfairly
to your partner, you will overreact in anger or heavy
emotion.
How To Prevent and Let Go of Jealousy
So, how do you prevent these thoughts from flooding
your mind or from even occurring at all? The first
thing you need to do is open the lines of communication
with your partner. Tell your loved one calmly and
openly that you love him or her but, because they
are so important to you, you are feeling anxiety
or insecurity about the relationship. Chances are
your partner will reaffirm how much he or she loves
you and you both can discuss the reasons why you
are with each other. Unless there is a bigger problem
that requires legitimate worry (in which case it
is a good thing you started talking!), admitting
your fear of losing your partner will open up a door
of communication that can actually bond the two of
you closer together. If you sense jealousy from your
partner, learn to offer reassurance about your relationship
more often.
After you have communicated your feelings with your
partner, you will better understand the reasons why
your partner has chosen you and be far less likely
to second-guess your partner’s intentions. You
will be reassured of the fact that your significant
other is in a relationship with you because he or she
loves you, not because they are waiting for someone
better to come along. You love your partner, and, your
partner loves you. It’s that simple. When you
stop wasting your time thinking of reasons why your
partner will leave you, you can start to understand
the many reasons why your relationship is stable and
satisfying for the both of you. If you can admit that
you are someone worth loving, you can focus on building
and strengthening the love between you both.
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