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by Kim Lance,
associate publisher of Online Dating Magazine
Bridging the Communication
Gap Between Men and Women
You’ve probably been there before.
You sit down for a latte with your best friend and
immediately her eyes start to swell with tears as she
blurts out “I don’t know why, but he just
won’t open up to me!” Or you and your best
bud meet up at a local pub and he greets you with “Man,
my girl just talked my ear off. I need a drink!” Or
perhaps you were on the other end of the conversation,
not understanding why you and your relationship partner
were having communication problems. Men and women usually
communicate and respond very differently during conversations
with each other.
Because men and women interact and interpret differently,
conflicts or misunderstandings can, and often do, arise.
A man and woman can walk away from a conversation having
gotten two totally different perspectives on how the
talk went and its resolution. These different perspectives
can cause dissatisfaction in one or both partners and
can lead to misinterpretation, anger, or resentfulness
if not properly understood and recognized.
To better understand why couples
often feel that their partner doesn’t understand
them, it is important to look at some of the fundamental
communication differences between men and women. Keep
in mind that, while psychologists have discovered these
differences through clinical research, they are still
generalizations. Just because most men and women communicate
this way, doesn’t mean that all do or that you
and your partner do. But, understanding these differences
can help you determine your own communication differences
and get you back on the fast track toward reconnecting
with your partner.
Why Men and Women Talk
In general, men typically talk in order to give information
or report on events, things, or the day’s happenings.
Women, on the other hand, will generally talk to
gain information or to further build their relationship
with those they are speaking with. Men will talk
about things, such as business, sports, etc. while
women will discuss people and interactions. When
talking, men tend to convey facts rather than details
and women include more details and feelings during
conversation.
Because men typically like to get to the point and
don’t usually hypothesize about thoughts and
feelings, men can often be frustrated when speaking
with a woman who goes “on and on” about
details and hunches. It is this fundamental communication
difference that would make the man in our early example
walk away from a conversation with his girlfriend thinking
that she “talked his ear off” and why the
woman in our example might feel that her boyfriend “won’t
open up”.
Men are Assertive, Women are Cooperative
In American society men are typically assertive,
independent and objective in their communication
tactics. Women, in contrast, are much more cooperative,
dependent, and subjective when communicating. While
there is a large amount of diversity within genders,
you can generally assume that men are seen as more
aggressive while women are more submissive.
Communication amongst the male gender is also generally
based on competition. Men are goal-oriented and competitive
and this is expressed in the way they speak to others.
Women cooperate more and are relationship oriented
during conversation. Women are much more able to empathize
with others while men look to understand the problems
of others intellectually. Because of this, men tend
to be problem solvers while women tend to be listeners.
Many times, a woman will bring up something that is
bothering her for the sole purpose of getting it off
her mind. A lot of the time, women essentially just
want to be listened to and be able to vent their frustrations
to their partner. Men, being the problem solving, competitive
sort, will listen to their girlfriend or wife and immediately
start to offer solutions or advice. This can become
a source of frustration for both the man and the woman.
The woman gets frustrated because she feels that her
partner doesn’t want to listen or is being too
aggressive, and the man feels that his partner isn’t
interested in his advice or is being too passive.
Solutions to Bridge the Communication Gap
While every couple and situation is different, learning
the standard differences between the sexes can help
you to come up with solutions to communication problems
between genders. Here are some tips for women and
men for those times when the gender communication
gap has the potential of occurring.
Tips for Women:
» If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t
seem to be talking much, understand that this doesn’t
necessarily mean that something is wrong. Often times
he may just not have anything to “report”.
It is ok to check and make sure that everything is
ok, but don’t double or triple check.
» Double meanings are not very common with men; when
a man says something, he typically means it. Women,
try not to second-guess what your guy is saying. Avoid
the “what does he really mean” mentality,
and just take it at face value. If you don’t
have trust issues, then chances are either nothing
is wrong, or he just isn’t ready to talk about
it.
» Don’t get frustrated when your man tries to
solve your problems. It is just the way many men think.
Instead, try to listen to his advice (whether or not
you plan to take it) and thank him for giving you advice;
after all, he is just trying to make things easier
for you. If you really just want to “vent” about
something, let your boyfriend or husband know that
in advance so that he knows not to interrupt with
solutions to your problem.
Tips for Men:
» Don’t interrupt when your girlfriend
or wife is getting into small details when she
explains things
to you. If you are truly pressed for time and need
to cut things short, then you may have no choice
but to cut her off, but make sure that you make time
to
hear her story later and genuinely assure her that
you want to hear her story when you both have free
time.
» Don’t immediately try to solve your partner’s
problems. Listen to her and then infer as to whether
or not she wants your advice. If she asks “what
should I do” or “I need help with this” then
you can offer advice. Your best bet is to first listen
to the story and offer consolation and a hug, if
needed. Many women just want you to listen and nothing
more.
» Don’t challenge the validity of your partner’s
assumptions. Women tend to rely on their intuition
when they “know” about something, while
men focus on facts. This doesn’t mean that their
intuition is invalid. If your girlfriend or wife says “It
just doesn’t feel right” allow her to feel
that her feelings are valid. I’m not recommending
humoring her if you know she is wrong, but know that
there is something to be said about women’s intuition
and don’t always come back with “Where’s
the proof?”
Embrace Communication Differences
Just because men and women generally communicate differently,
doesn’t mean that they can’t make and
maintain powerful connections with one another. In
fact, many times your spouse or sweetheart may be
able to make you think about situations and events
in a different light because of these communication
differences. Rather than get frustrated with each
other’s differences, try to embrace each other’s
different opinions, conversation styles and approaches.
Through education, understanding, and practice you
will improve your communication skills, which will
allow your relationship to evolve to a higher
level and that
will
bring you closer
to
being
one entity.
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