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Better You > 23
A Better You
by Jo Ann
Fore
Behind
the Mask:
Being Real in Relationships
Wonder
Woman, Captain America, and Bibleman. Batman, SuperGirl,
and Spiderman. We stand in awe of such amazing people
who possess a strong moral code, and often risk their
own lives for the good of others. With extraordinary
powers and abilities, these people often have a number
of enemies they defeat, repeatedly. They are noted
for feats of courage and nobility.
Superheroes – those
with supernatural power who combat evil – maintain
a secret identity to protect their friends and family
from becoming targets of his or her enemies. They
have distinctive costumes and almost always don a
cool mask to disguise them.
There’s only one
problem: They’re not real! I hope my candor doesn’t
shock anyone. But, it’s all fantasy fiction.
And while the fantasy lives of superheroes are entertaining;
it’s important not to confuse this practice of
disguise with everyday life.
Unless
you are a superhero, it isn’t practical to
hide behind a mask in relationships. Yet, in an attempt
to gain approval, many people live their lives behind
one. Ironically, approval gained in this manner often
becomes the source of rejection when the mask comes
off, and it always comes off. Healthy relationships
should be devoid of the pretense that comes from
wearing a mask.
Masks
are cumbersome. The energy it requires to maintain
one takes away from the natural joy of life. Yet
mask-wearers often justify the burdensome routine
of keeping their true selves hidden.
Masks
can be deceptive, presenting themselves as positive
attributes. It is a good thing to be successful,
humble or nice, right? And confidence, beauty, and
physical stamina certainly aren’t bad
for us. However, it becomes a problem when we become
consumed with these character traits – these
masks – because
we think they alone are the source of our acceptance.
We believe these things – beauty, niceness,
exercise – are
what help us to measure up, and we learn to hide
behind them.
Masks
are a hindrance to developing a strong relationship.
The person we become involved with falls for someone
we’re not, and it takes
a lot of energy to maintain a false persona for the
length of the relationship. It’s
much better to be real from the onset and save the
relationship from the angst.
What
about you – are
you hiding behind a mask? Is the fear of rejection
too great of a risk for you to be real? Are you concerned
if others saw you as you really are that they wouldn’t
like you? Are you tempted to don your mask rather
than risk transparency?
Here
are some suggestions to take off your troublesome
mask:
» Be
authentic. Learn to be yourself. Don’t become what you
think other people want you to be just to fit in.
Let people judge if they like what they see. The
ones that do are relationships worthy of your time.
» Be
honest. Don’t
portray yourself as something you aren’t. If
you are naturally nice and hospitable, your actions
will reflect it. But if you do something nice just
to gain approval and you become resentful or feel
unappreciated, you aren’t being true to yourself.
Keep everything you do and say fair and truthful.
» Be
open. Refuse to wear a mask. Stop the pretense and
risk being vulnerable. Don’t keep so much
of yourself hidden. You can overcome the fear of
rejection by maintaining a respect for yourself,
regardless of treatment from others.
» Be
willing to leave things as they are. Don’t
twist circumstances to suit yourself. Don’t
try to manipulate situations into something they
aren’t just to present
yourself more favorable.
I
don’t believe there’s a mask capable of
concealing one’s true personality anyway – not
over the long term. I believe that whatever we attempt
to hide will eventually be revealed. Step out from behind
the pretense in the beginning of the relationship. It
makes for a much stronger, easier, and deeper relationship
for you and your partner. A more intimate bond is free
to develop. Your partner can relate to you better when
you’re real.
Unlike
superheroes, you are real. And you possess good qualities
as well. But if you hide behind your mask too long,
you may forget what those are. Remember: There’s joy in a relationship
that gives you the freedom to take off the mask.
Jo
Ann Fore welcomes your comments about this article or suggestions
for material you would like to see in future articles.
Email her at: JoAnnFore@msn.com. A
Better You is published every Saturday.
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