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A Better You
by Jo Ann
Fore
Illogical Conclusions
One
day last week my husband hurt my feelings. I was
upset. It took me a couple days to
get over it – and to talk to him about it.
“Why were you sarcastic in that text message
you sent me a couple days ago?” I finally ventured.
“What do you mean?” he
asked innocently.
What
do I mean; you know exactly what I mean. How could
he
be so insensitive to have forgotten it already? “When
I sent you the text message about our schedules, and
you responded sarcastically – why did you do
that?” I continued.
“Sweetie…I really have no idea what you
mean. Why would I be sarcastic?” he implored. “Is
it in my nature to be sarcastic?”
What a simple, but profound question. It stopped me
dead in my tracks.
No, it isn’t even in his nature to be sarcastic.
He simply isn’t like that. Why did I think that
about him? I had nursed an emotional wound for days – unnecessarily.
I interpreted his statement negatively, and concluded — illogically — that
he meant something he really didn’t mean. I was
mad about it, and I allowed it to distance us for days.
Irrational Beliefs
I laughed out loud recently while
reading Marriage
Partnership. Apparently I’m not the only one
who jumps to conclusions about their partner’s
thoughts. There was an article (Lost in Translation,
Summer 2006) – written by a man about his wife – that
revealed their communication breakdown.
The writer picked up his wife from
work one day. The wife climbed into the car, exhausted. “I am so
tired!” she expressed. She couldn’t wait
to get home and climb into a nice hot bath and then
go to bed. Sensing her weariness, the husband suggested
they go out to dinner, so she wouldn’t have to
cook or clean. ‘Is he crazy?’ she mused. ‘I
just want to crawl into a tub of hot water. I don’t
want to deal with the noisiness and hassle of going
out.’ She responded to him with silent aggravation.
In an effort to cheer her up, he tried
again – thinking
that the support of her friends might brighten her
mood. “Well then, would you like to have some
friends over?” ‘Yes, that’s what
I want after a hard day’s work…to come
home, clean the house and make dinner for a house full
of people.’ She shot him a dirty look.
Realizing that nothing he said was
going to cheer her up, he reached over, smiled, and
lovingly placed
his hand on her knee for encouragement. ‘That’s
the last straw. How could he be so insensitive to think
I feel like having sex tonight?’ “I said
I’m exhausted – did you not hear me!” she
snapped.
They rode the rest of the way home in silence.
Pure Thoughts
This couple, along with me and many others,
discovered how easy it is to jump to conclusions about
what our
partner is thinking. How can we avoid this behavior?
1. Consider the character.
Before we give in to petty
criticism about our partner, we must learn to take
the negative thoughts we have
about him or her, and compare them to the true character
of the individual. We must ask ourselves, “Does
what I’m thinking about this incident parallel
their normal behavior?” If not, there’s
a good chance we’re wrong about what we’re
thinking. We need to compare what we believe with what
we know to be true.
2. Consider the method of communication.
It’s important – in communication – to
consider the method. In today’s world of instant
messages, email, and text messages, there is a lot
of room for misunderstanding. Electronic communication
doesn’t allow for voice inflection. How we articulate
something allows an impression of the manner in which
it was meant. You can’t always gauge someone’s
anger, sincerity, or sarcasm in an electronic communication.
It’s easy to miss out on what someone really
means when you can’t hear them say it.
3. Accept the communication at face value.
We also
need to learn not to project earlier methods of communication
on our partner. I’ve been married
only 15 months, but have been married before. I tend
to compare my communication in my existing marriage
to the communication methods of my earlier marriage.
And trust me, that’s not good! We need to learn
to listen to what our partner actually said and accept
our communication at face value. My communication
with my husband now is safe; I can trust it and relax
in
it.
Remember:
If you have a wound that you’ve been
nursing for days over something your partner said,
you might want to ask him or her if what you heard
was actually what was meant. Jumping to conclusions
causes unnecessary angst.
Jo
Ann Fore welcomes your comments about this article or suggestions
for material you would like to see in future articles.
Email her at: JoAnnFore@msn.com. A
Better You is published every Saturday.
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