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A Better You
by Jo Ann
Fore
Can You Hear Me
Now?
The Importance of Active Listening
“I know that you believe you
understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure
you realize
that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~Robert
McCloskey, Author Is
it hard for you to listen—really listen—to
people? Do you, like most of us, find yourself concentrating
on what you’re going to say next while the other
person is still talking?
In
a dating relationship it’s imperative that
we learn how to actively listen. If we’re interested
in getting to know someone, it’s one of the first
steps we should take. It’s our obligation to
learn to pay attention to them – to learn to
listen.
Active Listening
What is active listening? At the risk of sounding ridiculously
obvious: It is when we listen to what someone else says.
It’s a relatively simple, intentional action. Yet,
few of us grasp its power. The
key to active listening is empathy. When we identify
with, and understand, another person’s feelings
we can then listen—without obstacles—in
the hopes of learning something new about that person.
In order to respond in a way that validates what an
individual has said, we need deliberate and empathetic
listening skills.
Unfortunately, most dating relationships succumb to
the first or second level of three potential listening
levels:
LEVEL ONE
Inaccurate reflection or distracting
comments.
This is where we, the listener, say something
completely
unrelated to what the person is telling us. We may
try to avoid whatever issue is brought up.
For
example someone says, “I believe my daughter
is doing drugs, and I don’t know what to do for
her.” And the person listening says, “What
kind of pizza did you want?” The person who
shared is going to feel ignored, or unimportant.
LEVEL TWO
A partial correct understanding,
but superficial.
The listener doesn’t entirely understand
what is being said. The person will most likely
feel misunderstood. “That’s not
how I feel at all!”
LEVEL THREE
A paraphrase of what the talker
is saying.
You
repeat back what they have said to you. Your comments
express essentially what has been said to you.
You
heard them, understood them, and they recognize it. “Yes,
that’s exactly how I feel.”
How to Listen
Isn’t someone who makes you feel understood worth
his or her weight in gold? You can’t help but
feel drawn to them. Would you like to be that type
of person? For successful communication, your goal
should be to learn to converse at level three. There
are mistakes – common to many – you can
avoid that will help you learn to generate a response
that shows you understand what the other person is
saying.
First,
do not compare your own similar experiences with
what the talker is saying. Remember: listen to
learn, not to reply. Second, don’t plan what
you’re going to say next. The advice that you
have to give them isn’t nearly as important as
hearing what they say. And lastly, don’t judge.
Don’t assume you know what is best without hearing
the entire story.
Also
keep in mind, in a dating relationship there needs
to
be a balance. A balance between when you talk
and when your date talks. A balance between how much
you talk about yourself versus how much you talk about
other people. You don’t want there to be one
person talking and the other listening all the time.
As you learn to actively listen, your relationship
reaps several benefits:
1. Understanding
It shows that you heard and that
you understand.
2. Respect
It shows that you care about
the person.
3. Clarification
If you have misunderstood,
it allows for correction. And even if you disagree,
it’s
important that you know what you are disagreeing
with.
4.
Acceptance
It brings you closer to the individual.
If
you haven’t been successful in dating, maybe
someone has been trying to tell you something – but
you just weren’t listening. Or worse, you weren’t
interested in what they had to say.
You need to learn to listen, not in order to reply,
but rather with the intent of learning something new.
You might be amazed at what you hear.
Jo
Ann Fore welcomes your comments about this article or suggestions
for material you would like to see in future articles.
Email her at: JoAnnFore@msn.com. A
Better You is published every Saturday.
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